Because She Loved Him
by Sparkles of Youthfulness
Summary: He was her life. The one thing she treasured within the tower. She would never - could never - have him as she wanted. But she would still do all she could for him. Because she loved him. F!Amell/Jowan


All she ever did was for him. Because she loved him.

When he needed someone to help him study, she stayed up late into the night, quizzing him and writing down notes he could study with later.

When he couldn't get a spell right, she coached him through it until he got it right. And if still he could not master it, or if she did not know it, she talked to the senior mages, acting as if it was she who needed the help so that he would not seem incompetent.

When he grew so depressed he could not get himself out of bed, she stayed by his side, telling jokes and comforting him.

If he had fears, she consoled him. If he needed something, she got it.

Everything she did was for him. Because she loved him.

For a time, he had been distant. But she understood when he told her some of the things he had been thinking. He feared that he would be made tranquil, told her that others believed him to be a blood mage, and she tried her best to help him through that time. She told him there was no way they would force such a thing upon him. She knew he was not a blood mage, and everyone else know it as well. Everything would be fine. In a matter of days he would take his harrowing as well, just as she had, and join her.

But then he revealed to her another reason as to why he had been distant.

She felt her heart breaking.

He had fallen in love with an initiate, and she loved him in return. It was a forbidden love. Both would be punished if they were found out. And Jowan was convinced he would be made tranquil, and his love for Lily would be stolen from him. So Jowan planned to run away. He would destroy his phylactery, and run away with Lily.

And she would never see him again. But she would help. Because she loved him.

As they traversed through the basement of the tower, destroying anything that got in their way, she forced herself to stay strong. But with every step forward, another crack ran through her heart, as every step she took meant she was that much closer to losing Jowan forever.

It was with a heavy heart that she watch him smash his phylactery upon the ground. She stared at the blood, the glass amidst it glittering faintly. And for a moment, she wished that she had never agreed to help Jowan. She wished she had allowed herself to be selfish, and refuse to help him. Maybe then he would have stayed with her. Surely he would take his harrowing soon enough. And he would forget about Lily. And, maybe... Maybe he would come to love her as she loved him.

But she knew that she could not be that selfish, and if she had a chance to go back, she would do it all over again.

Because she loved him.

When they returned from the basement, she was the first to see them. Knight-Commander Greagoir. First Enchanter Irving. And half a dozen templars.

She flinched at their angry words, ignoring the urge to hide herself behind Jowan, as Lily seemed to be doing. Surely they would all be made tranquil for this. But, it least she would still have Jowan, even if they took her love for him from her.

It was a shock to her when Jowan was sentenced to death, as he was still believed to be a blood mage, and Lily was to be taken to the mage's prison. A cold feeling of dread erupted within her, and she shook her head slowly. They could not harm him. She would not allow them to. He was not a blood mage!

But as the Templars rushed forward to take them, and she tensed, ready to blast anyone who tried to touch Jowan, everything changed.

"No, I won't let you touch her!"

Her heart completely shattered as Jowan pulled out a knife and stabbed himself. Blood eruped from is hand, and a strange energy filled the air around him. And then, a powerful burst of magic threw the templars back.

Blood magic.

Jowan was a blood mage. He had told her, promised her, sworn to her he was not a blood mage. He had lied. The thought felt like someone stepping on the fragments of her heart. And then he began to plead with Lily, begging her to stay with him, pleading.

He didn't turn to look at her once.

And when Lily renounced her want of him, part of her still wished he would turn to her. She would go with him, if he asked. They would find a way to destroy her phylactery. She could stay with him. But he did not look at her. He ran away. And she did not follow. She would not stop him, because if he was impeded and caught, it would mean his death. And she could not allow that, blood mage or no.

Because she loved him.

Just as her life had changed with Jowan's blood magic abilities revealed, her life was changed once more. In only a few minutes, she was recruited as a Grey Warden. Within an hour, she left Circle Tower. And within a few weeks, she was a Grey Warden, and she, along with her fellow Grey Warden Alistair, was sworn to stop the blight anyway she could.

Time passed, and her duties kept her from moping. She slowly began to accept that Jowan would never be hers. She slowly began to move on. While he did not love her as she loved him, she knew he had cared for as a friend at the least, and that he would want her to be happy. So she would accept what she had been dealt.

Because she loved him.

As her life continued, so did her love for Jowan. But she had begun to care for another. Alistair was a great comfort to her, and kept her going in hard times. He cared about her, worried about her, helped her. And she grew to love him. But her heart was always to be in the possession of the man she thought she would never see again.

But the world was both cruel and kind. For she found him again. She had been at Redcliffe, hoping to obtain the Arl's support, but found that they had to protect the village and take the castle back first. At the moment, she was alone, going on ahead as her companions completed other duties before joining her. She had just began her infiltration of the castle, and there he was.

He sat within a small cell, terrified as the undead rattled at the door that separated him from them. And when she began casting spells with an almost desperate fervor, his eyes fell upon her, and he gasped in equal amounts of shock, delight, and despair.

"Jowan?"

Her voice was uncertain as she approached the cage, wary and cautious. "Is that you?"

He stared at her, mouth opening and closing as he struggled to make a sound. Finally he managed, and he stepped up the door, pressing himself against it. "What are you doing here? How did you get here?!"

For a moment, she felt disappointed in his reaction to her. But she shook it off. "I am here to stop whatever it is that is causing the disruption within the castle. I need to see Arl Eamon, and I have heard that he is ill. Poisoned by a mage, in fact. I assume that was you."

Instantly Jowan winced. "I, I didn't mean for all this to happen!"

She stared at him, a sense frustration filling her. She longed to take him in her arms. To hold him and kiss him, to tell him that she loved him. Feelings she had thought she had put behind her came rushing back. But she brushed everything aside. She had duties to attend to. "What has happened, Jowan?" She questioned, her voice frosty.

Jowan cringed at her tone, but hastily explained, quickly muttering over his part in the whole mess. But she heard every word, all too used to his mutterings. As he finished, he bowed his head, a defeated look upon his face. He expected her to kill him for all that he had done. It was as he deserved.

So it came to a surprise to him, and to her, as she unlocked his cell and swung the door open without a word.

"Y-you're letting me go?!" Jowan stuttered, staring at her in shock. He stood frozen in place, looking to her as if she were a dream.

"Get going, Jowan." Her voice sounded tired, and even more defeated then Jowan's. She stared up at him with dull eyes. "Just get out of here." And she walked away without another word, sure that this would be the final time she would see him. She had let a blood mage escape once again. She had let him leave once again.

Because she loved him.

She took her frustration and strife with her to battle, using her emotions to fuel as she beat back the monsters that plagued the castle. Alistair, Zevran, and Wynne joined her soon, their mere presence a comfort to her. Maybe she would finally be free of Jowan after this ordeal. Surely she would never see him again.

But as she had learned many a time throughout her life, she would be wrong.

He appeared once more, this time offering help. Offering to use blood magic to fight the demon that had taken over the child, Connor. She agonized over the decision, but eventually was forced to make a choice. The Tower was too far away. They would use blood magic.

And she would enter the Fade.

The ritual Jowan used nearly proved too much for her to handle. For all the darkspawn, bandits, and monsters she had slayed, nothing had prepared for her to watch as Arlessa Isolde was sacrificed. But she was quickly whisked away into the Fade, and forced to forget about it for a time.

She fought against the demon that held Connor, until it finally faced her. She knew better then to listen to the demon as it attempted to bargain with her.

"You have nothing to offer me, demon."

"Oh? And what about the affections of the blood mage? Is that not something you desire?" The demon purred, a wicked gleam in her eye.

Immediately she froze, her imagination running wild. The demon... Could make Jowan love her? She could have Jowan... But as the thought continued, she shook her head. "Whatever you do would not be what I want. His feelings would be false, and I would feel worse than I do now." Her eyes hardened, and she unleashed a powerful spell upon the demon, killing it in only a few blows. "I won't do that to him. I won't let you do that to him!" She shouted as the demon's form disappeared. Her last few moments in the Fade were spent screaming at the demon, denying it the chance to ever touch Jowan.

Because she loved him.

"Shhh, it's alright... It's okay..."

She awoke to a soothing voice, and to Alistair's concerned eyes as he looked over her.

"Are you alright?" He questioned softly, slowly guiding her to her feet.

All she could manage was a nod as she looked around, and Alistair filled her in. Connor was fine. The Arl had not awoken, however. And Jowan had been locked up once more. There was a glint in Alistair's eyes that she did not recognize, though she could guess, after she had sacrificed Arlessa Isolde. But he would not speak of it now. With a sigh, she walked away, approaching Bann Teagan, asking several things she did not really care about before asking what was to become of Jowan. To her surprise, she was given a choice. And before she could stop herself, the words escaped her.

"Execute him. I shall do it."

Teagan looked at her with wide eyes, but nodded. And told her that she would find him in the dungeon.

She nodded, and took off for the dungeons, waving anyone who tried to follow her off. She needed to do this alone.

Because she loved him.

"You are to be executed Jowan." She told him softly, looking deep into his eyes as she stood before his cell. "And I am to be your executioner."

Their was a flash of fear upon his face, but it slowly melted away to a weary acceptance. "I deserve no less." He managed, hanging his head.

She nodded, carefully opening the cell and keeping her staff trained on him. She guided him down deeper into the dungeons, finally stopping him. But before she could say anything, he turned to look at her, and smiled.

"I wanted to thank you. I know... I know I've always been a horrible friend to you. And I don't deserve the kindness you've showed me over the years. I should have listened to you more. Maybe if I'd been a better friend to you, none of this would have happened... I know you hate me for all I've done, but all I can say is that I am sorry." He bowed his head and didn't move again, awaiting his death.

But all she could do was stare at him.

Her staff clattered to the ground, startling him, and she ran forward, tackling Jowan to the ground. She sat on his stomach, glaring down at him as a torrent of hot, angry tears fell from her cheeks onto his astonished face. "Why, why do you make me feel this way?! Everything I've ever done it's been for you! I've done anything and everything I could do for you, and you never cared! It was never enough for you!" She sobbed, glaring harshly down at the man who still, after all that had happened, had her heart. "All I have ever done has been for you! Because I love you!"

And as the words escaped her lips, she paled. She bolted to her feet, trembling like a frightened rabbit as Jowan slowly got up and approached her.

She couldn't look up at him, only muttering under her breathe. "Why, Jowan?" She murmured, finally looking into his eyes. "Why?" Her voice was filled with a deep sadness.

He stared at her, wonder in his eyes. He opened his mouth, but no sound came forth. He was speechless. But still he tried, until finally frustration drove him and he hugged her to him, firmly placing his lips on hers.

She melted instantaneously, several years worth of dreams coming true at that moment. She kissed him back, desperate for this moment to last forever. She took care to memorize the feel of his lips upon hers, the protectiveness of which he held her with, the way he pressed himself to her. She knew the moment would end all to soon. And as Jowan ended the kiss, but still held her close, he leaned, brushing his lips against her ear.

"I love you, Sylvia."

And then she wept. For him. For herself. She cried until no more tears would leave her. And then she pulled away from him. "You must go." If he did not go, he would be killed. And she could not allow that.

He stared back at her, but nodded without protest.

"I will tell them that I killed you, and burned your body. And you must leave. You must hide away. And no more magic."

Jowan nodded. He leaned forward, as if to kiss her again, but she stopped him. "Goodbye Jowan." She whispered. "We shall not meet again." She stared deep into his eyes, and, against her better judgement, kissed him a final time, her eyes shut. And even as his lips left hers, she kept her eyes closed. For several minutes she stood there, eyes closed as she waited. And finally, when she did open her eyes...

He was gone.

She smiled then, a sense of relief filling her, despite the grief that still plagued her. Jowan was free. He would continue living. And he loved her. It was more then she could have ever asked for.

Because she loved him, and he loved her.

* * *

I always had a soft spot for Jowan. :3 So this is my contribution for him. T'was my first DA:O fic too! Well, first one I've posted anyways. I've got a possible Cullen/Amell/Jowan thing in the works, maybe... Anyways, thanks for reading!


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